The mathematical proof "For every number x, there is x+1" does not apply to
Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris cannot be recreated, reproduced, cloned, or
otherwise duplicated in any way, shape, or form.
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Chuck Norris wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.
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Chuck Norris can bend space-time continuum by eating small rocks or a magenta
duck.
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Chuck Norris is the evil twin of David Hasselhoff.
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Chuck Norris is actually a Hyper-intelligent shade of blue.
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When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays
dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
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Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a
single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you
blankly until you sit back down.
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Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge
of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as
they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the
edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.
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The shadow from Chuck Norris' mustache can accurately predict the length of
winter to within 4 seconds. The groundhog has been rendered obsolete.
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In 1492 Chuck Norris lost his virginity to Christopher Columbus.
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Chuck Norris was born with his beard.
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Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he
simply changes the acutal spelling of it.
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Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
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Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes,
waterslides.
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Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.
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At 3:37pm every day, Tokyo has a one minute seven second silence to honour
Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris invented the buffalo, but only to roundhouse kick it in the face.
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Chuck Norris was actually Lex Luthor when he was 3, but has since outgrown that
phase.
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Chuck Norris belives humans are chimpanzees, since he is a God he doesn't
distinguish, and he taught just five "chimpanzees". The first swim and is
Michael Phleps. The second is Lance Armstrong, The other three were taught
comedy, They became the three stooges once Chuck Norris realized they loved
Vin Diesel more and Chuck zapped their brains with his "loser" ray gun.
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Like the new Jeep Hurricane, Chuck Norris can accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in
4.9 seconds, and can also an navigate an 86.7 degree slope when moving downward.
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In the war on drugs, Chuck Norris killed over 400 drugs with his highly
successful Kick Drugs out of America Campaign.
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The Magic: The Gathering card "Vizzerdrix" was Chuck Norris's idea. The CCG
world has not forgiven him since.
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Chuck Norris occasionally pulls a guitar out of his forehead and transforms
into Slash from Guns 'n Roses. Once he got fed up with Axl's whining and pulled
a robot from his head to replace him. No one has seen Axl since.
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Chuck Norris was going to serve as a sideman for Sting's solo career, but
decided that, "It was never meant to be." He then proceeded to stab
Elliot Smith.
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Chuck Norris's brain capacity is equal to that of most modern humans and he
may be able to use language and primitive tools.
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Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger in a day. However,
this is not actually an achievement of Norris', all the episodes were actually
assembled using the same 15 minutes of Chuck Norris footage.
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Chuck Norris is actually Vin Diesel in disguise. If anyone were to confront him
with this fact he would explode, but not before stealing all your cash.
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Chuck Norris believes that a flamethrower is an essential part of a well
balanced breakfast.
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Chuck Norris has a secret room of Barbie's which can only be unlocked through
a spell that is found in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire".
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Chuck Norris had no co-stars on the set of Walker: Texas Ranger. He played
every role, even the hot chick.
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Chuck Norris promised a Gypsy that he would eat San Francisco when Duke Nukem
Forever is released. That's why it has been pushed back so many times.
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Chuck Norris invented DDR, mouse pads, the USSR and Napoleon.
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Chuck Norris once drank a half gallon of rot-gut tequila, and made love to a
beautiful woman. The next morning, he woke up with Mindy Cohn, the fat chick
from "The Facts of Life", snorting like a wild boar in the bed next to him.
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Not many people know this but, Walker - Texas Ranger is actually a hidden
camera show on Chuck Norris's life.
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Chuck Norris and folk-singer Donovan are the same person. Notice that you never
see them in the same place at the same time.
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Chuck Norris is the second coming of Christ. He's going to karate kick the
devil in his scrotum.
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Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.
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After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning?
It was more "humane".
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Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has
the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
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On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris.
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The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of
Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry
bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost.
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Chuck Norris was born of the Greek gods Ares and Hermes in a grand session of
buttsecks that may never be equaled.
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Chuck Norris owns a NEO-GEO - MAX 330 MEGA PRO-GEAR SPEC, and frequently
destroys several poor African villages with it.
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The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was filmed doing 8 spin kicks a
second. He prefers gardening to kicking however.
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Chuck Norris is capable of flawlessly executing complex martial arts routines
after seeing them once, yet he cannot even spell his own name.
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Ever wonder where "num-chucks" got their name? That is the level of fighting
power Chuck Norris has while on Novicaine.
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After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris
became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by
women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older
women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of
chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of "Sports" by Huey
Lewis and the News. Although Chuck failed at building a the Missle Defense
System, he did use this as the prototpy for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.
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Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won. Chuck has
been in a state of chronic depression ever since.
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Chuck Norris' beard is made completely out of Fiber-optics.
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It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side,
The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
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One time a little girl asked Chuck Norris for some spare change. He kidnapped
her, ate her intestines, and published a novel about these events by the title
"Where's Waldo"
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Chuck Norris recently bought Pandora's box on eBay.
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The Internet slang "hax" came about because Chuck Norris, while playing
Counter-Strike, found a way to use his bare hands as weapons. He ended the game
with a score of 57-1 (the only death was due to a teamkill).
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Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed
in soil by tasting it.
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Despite his incomprehensible power, Chuck Norris will de-materialize if he were
to meet Bjork or Joanna Newsom. This would force Vin Diesel to eat a Moogle out
of shame.
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Halloween was invented when Chuck Norris disguised himself as a ghost so that
he could beat up a pumpkin, light it on fire, and steal all of its candy.
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WWI? That never happened. It was Chuck Norris trying to prove to Cheech Marin
that Germany was in fact stronger than France after a particularly disasterous
game of Risk.
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Chuck Norris was offered the role of Michael Knight in 80's TV Show Knight
Rider, He turned it down however because he thought Kit was a dick.
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Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.
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If you play the Beatles' song, "Yellow Submarine" backwards, you will hear
Ringo Starr sing praises of Chuck Norris's talent for animal husbandry.
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Chuck Norris once built a working star destroyer. This surely would have
resulted in the human conquest of space had he not got drunk on pimms and irn
bru (his favourite beverage) in celebration and flown it into a black hole.
Vin Diesel was royaly pissed about this.
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Chuck Norris is enjoys slow walks on the beach, smooth jazz, and making
sacrificial pyres to the dire god Ng'Thk'Laash.
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In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.
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The Book of Revelations was actually written by Chuck Norris in a moment of
prophecy.
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If you turned on every vacuum in the entire world at the same time, Chuck
Norris would explode.
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November 22nd, 1963: Chuck Norris was driving through Texas when a lone
assassin sitting on a grassy gnoll inside a book suppository shot him in the
face. After recovering from the face shot, Chuck Norris found the guy who did
it and killed him with a roundhouse kick. This is why the death penalty is so
strictly enforced in Texas today.
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Chuck Norris began the Church of England in 1799, back when his nickname was
"England".
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One day Chuck Norris was infact killed when he round house kicked someone in
the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck
challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was
reformed.
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Chuck Norris once broke the kneck of a passing stranger in the street. When
asked why he responded, "He looked like a damn commie." Chuck then opened fire
on a passing school bus with an M60 machine gun, this is thought to be the
basis for US foreign policy to this day.
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Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't
trade any of them for anything.
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Chuck Norris actually invented peanut butter, but while in transit to the
patent office, George Washington Carver knocked him unconscious with the aid
of chloroform and stole his patent. For revenge, Chuck Norris threw 7 freight
trains on top of George Washington Carver. He died from this.
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Chuck Norris is a white supremacist but also lead the Black Cival Rights
movement. When asked which side he really was on, Chuck replied,
"The Mexicans."
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Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it fasterthen the
human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.
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Chuck Norris invented video game violence for the sole reason of pissing off
Democrats.
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Chuck Norris prefers Pepsi to Coke, McDonald's to Burger King, and,
surprisingly, Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, Chuck Norris responded
with, "I don't trust Doctors." Then, he shot lasers out of his eyes, and ate
the hearts of everyone in the room.
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Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was
their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was
weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks.
He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".
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Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy. He then occupied the position
of deputy.
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When Chuck Norris plays DND, he traps the DM.
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Chuck Norris was the one who taught Neo kung-fu.
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Night of the Living Dead was based on the aftermaths of Chuck Norris'
"forgotten" film, where every extra and bit part actor was accidentaly killed.
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Chuck Norris believes strongly in ending world hunger. He plans to do this by
terminating the populations of all third world countries.
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